Saturday Satire - Genetics: A Comedy Series

 

My son took one comedy class with me…well two; Now he’s Mr. Funny Man every chance he gets. I make one slip of the tongue, verbal blunder, mental hiccup, and he leaps on the opportunity. His eyes bulge and he blares out, “What!?”

He used that one word as a declarative statement, a full sentence. My son fired off joke after joke after joke like fireworks on Independence Day. Let me tell you my story.

I was scheduled to perform comedy in a city two hours from home. My friend and her significant other, I’ll call him Joe went with me for support. Joe drove for us, as he has done several times.

Before I left home I was telling my son about the show, “Carla and Joe are going to the show with me tonight. I need to grab $20 to give Joe for gas.”

My son stopped what he was doing, glared me, and said, “WHAT?!”

“Ma, you’re going to give a grown man twenty dollars to drive you four hours to a sundown town, to listen to you talk about menopause? Twenty dollars will get him four gallons of gas. You’re hilarious.”

His rant continued, “You put Ms. Carla in a bad spot. Now she’s gonna have to rub his feet, scratch his back, cook dinner; All because he’s helping her friend. You think an Andrew Jackson goes a long way.”

I let him get all the words out of his head and into the atmosphere. “You offered me that same twenty dollars to cut the grass, paint the screen door, and repair a hole in the wall.”

When my son finally paused I said, “Well, that twenty dollars for you was just a love offering, you can complete the tasks for free. No need to worry, when I go to your house I will be sure to leave a trail of shoes, clothes, and dishes throughout each room.”

I chuckled. You would have thought we were in sone kind of roast battle. No winner was declared. I strolled off as I said, “And I WILL be giving Joe more than $20.”

Each day my son displays more evidence that he truly has my DNA. In addition to his sense of humor, he has my temperament, my allergies…and my Adam’s apple.

I must not leave out my other son; he’s the real DNA winner. He has my mustache…my chin hairs…and my chest hairs. Just kidding, he doesn’t have chest hairs.”

What is something funny that your child or someone else’s child has said to you?

Wordless Wednesday - Humor Happy Hour - Bottoms Up for Better Health

 

YouTube Video: Bottoms Up for Better Health

Monday Musings – Gold Medals & Gold Bond: My Senior Olympics Training Journey

 

I arrived home from work one day excited and said to my son, “I’m thinking about participating in the Senior Olympics this year. I could run the 100-meter or 400-meter race.”

After a pregnant pause, he said, “is your health insurance up to date? Maybe you should contact your doctor before starting a strenuous activity.”

His sarcasm did not go unnoticed. He was rewarded with an eye roll from me and a threat to remove him from my favorite youngest son list.

Running has never been in my wheelhouse, but after reviewing the categories on the participant registration, I eliminated nearly all of them. I could throw a frisbee, but it would probably end up in a tree, or whack anyone in its path. A friend said, “why don’t you play cornhole? All you have to do is throw a bean bag.”

“Have you ever  watched cornhole players? They shake that bag, position it a certain way in their hand, and then release it. There is a skill to it.” I gave her the same eyeroll I usually reserve for my son.

I had a rationale for deciding to participate in the race portion of the Olympics. I figured that since I exercise regularly, a few times a week, I should be able to run a short distance really fast. Bless my heart, that was not the case. After the first training session with my son I knew I  would need hustle, heart, and heating pads if I was going to take on the title of athlete for the senior Olympics.

I changed my workout regimen; I stretched more and focused my strength training on areas beneficial to runners. After my first training session my muscles were sore in areas where I didn’t know I had muscles. When we returned home from the track, I had to drag one leg up the flight of stairs to my bedroom.

My son said, “Ma, your hip muscles are not strong because you don’t do that type of exercise regularly.” And for that reason, it was several days (recovery time) before day two of training.

Day two of training was a walk, jog through my neighborhood. I needed to practice my breathing. My first time running I think I was panting more than breathing. My son who was a hurdler and ran the 400 meter in high school, said, “take deep breaths in through your nose and slowly exhale.”

My coach and motivator jogged along side of me as I paced my running and breathing. I made it one block then the next. As I began to push faster to the last block, we passed a neighbor who was in her front yard. I heard her shout, “you got this!”

I pushed through that last block, satisfied that I reached my goal and beat my time from the first day of training.

During college I was a volunteer at the Special Olympics. Their motto was – Let me win, but if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt.” I am adopting that same motto as I participate in the Senior Olympics.

If I don’t win a Gold Medal, I’m sure I can be a representative for brand – Gold Bond. Their products are good for minor aches, sore muscles, and aging skin. I’m going for the Gold anyway. You should too. Whether you’re running a physical race, setting goals, or taking on something challenging…you got this. 

Train like you want it, visualize it, and speak it into existence.